Hello dear friend,
I hope you are well today.
I have been on wild adventures to places I have never been, happily caring for my mind and expanding my repertoire of life experience.
I have also been doing some examination of my personality and how I sometimes don’t present what I want, mostly because I am overly cautious of others and what the consequences will be.
It hasn’t served me well, and I am thinking of a balance so that everyone, including me, is less caught in awkward situations.
We can sometimes find ourselves in situations and within outcomes we didn’t plan for. Even in these times, we must be logical and bring our best selves forward.
It is often said that if you live long enough, there are few things you would not have seen. I have seen all sorts of co-parenting in my time, and one thing we can all agree on is that we can respectfully and lovingly parent children even if we don’t agree on relationship terms and conditions.
We must.
Co-parenting is rarely as simple as agreeing on what is best for a child. Two parents can love their child deeply and still have very different ideas about discipline, routines, communication, school, responsibilities, and boundaries.
One parent may believe in strict rules and consistency, while the other may prefer flexibility and gentle correction. One may value independence, while the other feels children need closer supervision. Neither approach automatically makes a parent “right” or “wrong.” The challenge begins when those differences turn into constant disagreements.
In my first foray into parenting, it didn’t take long to realise that I had a plan and my spouse had no plan, but my plans were always met with a wall of obstruction.
It was quite frustrating; I started to resent him because my plans took research and effort on my part, and his plan was just to destroy my plan. A recipe for disaster.
When Parenting Styles Clash
Parenting-style clashes often happen because parents bring different experiences, beliefs, personalities, and expectations into the relationship.
For example, one parent might say, “We agreed there should be consequences for this,” while the other responds, “I think the child needs understanding, not punishment.”
When these disagreements happen repeatedly, the child may become caught in the middle. They may feel pressured to choose sides, become confused about expectations, or learn to play one parent against the other.
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The goal of co-parenting is not to make both parents think exactly alike. It is to create enough consistency and cooperation that the child feels safe and supported.
We must practice removing ourselves from the well-being of children. It’s not about us in a situation like this. It’s not about our fears or traumas, reputation, or inadequacies. It is the soul of the child whom we brought into the world together, one whom we have been entrusted with to nurture into the fulfilment of God’s will.
Focus on the Child, Not the Conflict
When disagreements arise, it can be easy to focus on proving who is right. Instead, bring the conversation back to one question:
“What approach will best support our child?”
This shift can change the entire conversation.
Rather than saying, “You are too strict,” try, “How can we set this boundary while still helping our child understand why it matters?”
Instead of, “You never discipline them,” try, “Can we agree on how we want to respond when this happens again?”
The difference may seem small, but respectful language makes cooperation much easier.
We can plan for scenarios that will likely be contentious and prepare in advance what the core values of each parent are that they want to impart on the child, create a boundary that allows for some flexibility within it rather than setting traps for one another.
Agree on the Important Things
Co-parents do not have to agree on every small detail. However, certain areas benefit from shared expectations.
These may include:
- Basic household rules
- School responsibilities
- Bedtime and daily routines
- Appropriate consequences
- Communication with the child
- Screen-time boundaries
- Major decisions about the child’s wellbeing
Having a few clear agreements can reduce unnecessary arguments and give the child a more stable environment.
This was what we found helpful in our household: making our agreements clear and spoken out loud. I didn’t believe kids should have any TV time dedicated; I wanted TV time to be a family event rather than a kids’ event. My spouse, on the other hand, was raised on TV without any boundaries, so he thought it was ok for a toddler to wake up and turn on the TV before breakfast.
My Lord and my God.
That agreement saved our marriage because my child’s brain will not be custard on my watch.
I brought my research and stated my case, and he brought his, and I listened, and we found a middle ground.
You can look at your family and decide what the issues that need discussing are, make the time, listen, argue respectfully as you would at work, focus on the kid.
Respect Different Strengths
Different parenting styles can sometimes complement each other.
A structured parent may help create consistency, while a more flexible parent may bring patience and emotional connection. Instead of seeing every difference as a problem, parents can ask how their different strengths can work together.
The goal is not to eliminate every difference. It is to prevent those differences from becoming a source of tension that the child has to carry.
Children should not be expected to deliver messages, take sides, keep secrets, or settle disagreements between their parents.
Statements such as, “Tell your mother...” or “Your father always does this…” can place emotional pressure on a child that they should not have to carry.
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Adult disagreements should be handled by the adults.
On this hill, I will fight you, because it leaves a child feeling so helpless and takes their childhood from them in such a reckless manner that they often spend the rest of their lives not being able to make any decisions so as not to upset anyone.
Stop it. Fight the adult, leave the children out of it.
Calm Conversations
Important parenting discussions should ideally happen when emotions are under control. Trying to solve a disagreement in the middle of an argument often makes things worse.
Set aside time to talk privately, listen to each other’s concerns, and identify areas where compromise is possible.
And when an agreement cannot be reached immediately, it is okay to pause and return to the conversation later.
One tip I will give you is to have these conversations outside the home: go for a walk, go for breakfast, take it outside.
You Are Building
Co-parenting is not about creating a perfect partnership. It is about creating a healthy parenting environment where a child can feel loved, secure, and understood.
Your parenting styles may not always match. Your priorities may sometimes differ, and that’s ok; just be aware of it and how it affects the child.
Sometimes, the best solution to the co-parenting puzzle is not finding one perfect parenting style. It is learning how two different styles can work together for the good of the child.
Until next time — stay warm, stay growing, stay loving, stay whole.
With love and light
Amaka.
