Dear friend,
Good day, I hope you are keeping well.
How are you managing this week? I pray that all your burdens are light and your reservoir of compassion and grace will increase in the coming week.
There have been many opportunities to think about love this month, and I am grateful for it.
The love, the cuddles, and the chastisements are all valid.
Love can be expressed in so many different ways, yet each expression holds different weights for each of us.
A celeb got a car for Valentine’s and was ecstatic, a man got a watch for Valentine’s and burst into tears, someone somewhere got a hug, and it was what was needed: to be seen.
To be seen and considered is what love is.
I hope you experience this in your life.
There is something tender and almost sacred about love. We all long for it in the quiet language of everyday actions. Yet many of us suffer silently in relationships, hoping people will “just know” how to love us well.
But here is the truth: people cannot consistently love you well if you never show them how. It is why I find self-care to be such a worthy pursuit.
When we learn to care for ourselves, we unwittingly write a letter to everyone who wants to love us, to say,” this is how I am to be loved, this is what I find to be valuable in my life”. It’s all in everyday life you love.
Only an enemy will want to strip you of something you already do for yourself, jump and pass my dear if you see enemies.
Teaching people how to love you correctly is not manipulation. It is not control. It is clarity. And clarity is kindness.
I met a lovely lady once who loved to travel and would save up to take luxury trips. On meeting potential partners, she always told them this was important to her, and they often joined her on those trips.
People who didn’t step up eventually dropped off, and she’s happily married today to someone who values the life they share. She set a standard for her life and then shared it.
Love Is Not Mind Reading
One of the biggest myths about love is that if someone truly cares, they should automatically know what you need. We romanticize the idea of instinctive understanding.
But real life is not a movie script. It’s easy to see how this became popular because we don’t really want to go through messy processes in books and movies; we focus on the start and finish.
In the middle of those two is a healthy dose of curiosity and positive consideration, lots of questions and many mistakes that are humbly learnt from.
A love that is healthy doesn’t depend on mind-reading; there is a lot of healthy communication and kindness during misunderstanding and conflict.
Our preconceived scripts on love are often based on what we experienced growing up and what love looked like in our past. If someone grew up in a home where love meant providing financially, they may think paying bills is the highest form of affection.
If you, on the other hand, interpret love as deep conversation and emotional presence, you may feel neglected—even though they believe they are loving you well.
Both of you may be sincere. But sincerity without communication often leads to disappointment.
Teaching someone how to love you begins with understanding yourself first. Take a piece of paper or your phone and start to document the things that make you feel loved, past and present.
Go further to enquire why you feel love when those circumstances align, check if it has to do with people, location, activities, emotions, etc
You cannot explain what you have not defined.
Ask yourself:
- Do I feel loved when someone checks in on me during the day?
- Do I value words of affirmation or acts of service more?
- Do I need physical closeness or quality time to feel secure?
For example, imagine someone who feels deeply connected through conversation. When their partner spends hours on their phone but pays all the bills, they feel invisible. Instead of building silent resentment, they could say:
“I appreciate how hard you work for us. It means a lot. But I feel closest to you when we talk without distractions. Can we create space for that?”
That is such a show of love to be vulnerable in that situation. That is teaching, healthy communication with no accusations. The way you communicate your needs matters as much as the need itself. Instead of saying:
“You never care about how I feel.”
Try:
“I feel distant when we don’t talk about what’s going on inside me. It would mean a lot if you asked.”
Notice the difference? One attacks character. The other expresses vulnerability. When you teach someone how to love you, you are not criticizing who they are—you are inviting them into a deeper understanding of you, and vulnerability invites connection.
Model the Love You Desire
People often learn best by example. If you desire reassurance, practice giving reassurance. If you value thoughtful gestures, offer thoughtful gestures. If you want calm conversations during conflict, show calmness first.
This does not mean overextending yourself or doing emotional labour alone. It simply means embodying the culture of love you want to create. For instance, if you love appreciation, don’t withhold it. Say:
“Thank you for coming through for me today.”
“I love how intentional you were with picking out this restaurant.”
When people see how love feels through you, they understand it better. This isn’t an effort to be fake; it is one to encourage us to say what we already feel. There are opportunities for gratitude daily that we sometimes miss, yet we wait for someone to show us the same.
Let’s stop missing them.
Set Boundaries With Grace
Teaching someone how to love you also includes showing them what is not acceptable. If someone constantly dismisses your feelings, teaching them may sound like:
“When my feelings are brushed aside, I feel small. I need us to take each other seriously.”
If the behaviour continues despite clear communication, the lesson shifts, and a harder boundary is needed, which in itself is a form of love. To allow someone learn from their actions is an act of mercy that prevents them from sowing wickedness in the world.
Sometimes the real teaching is not “how to love me,” but “I will not stay where I am not loved well.”
Boundaries are not threats. They are protection for the things that matter.
Not Everyone Will Learn
This is the painful part. Some people will listen. Some will try. Some will grow beautifully. And some will not.
Teaching someone how to love you better requires openness from both sides. If someone refuses to adjust, refuses to hear, or constantly invalidates your needs, that is not a communication failure—it is a compatibility issue. You are not in alignment, and no amount of staple pins can hold it together.
You cannot force someone to value what they do not prioritize, and you deserve love that feels safe, not negotiated endlessly.
Imagine a husband whose wife grew up in a very affectionate home. She loves hugs, spontaneous compliments, and little surprises. He, however, was raised in a reserved household where love was quiet and unspoken. Instead of labelling him “cold,” she could say:
“Physical affection makes me feel secure. Even small touches during the day mean a lot to me.”
He may not become overly expressive overnight, but he begins holding her hand more often. He starts leaving short notes occasionally. She, in turn, appreciates his efforts rather than criticizing what he is still learning.
Growth happens in that space.
Love Is a Skill, Not Just a Feeling
Many people think love is just an emotion, and this rhetoric became very popular in the 90s when there was this definition
“ Love is a feeling you feel. When you feel a feeling you have never felt before”. What a wowza, such a lie too. Love is way more than a feeling; it’s a decision.
Healthy love is also a skill—communication, emotional awareness, empathy, consistency. Where we might lack one of these, it is only wise and humble to learn actively.
Teaching someone how to love you correctly is really about building that skill together. It requires:
- Self-awareness
- Courage to speak
- Patience to allow growth
- Wisdom to walk away if necessary
You are not “too much” for having needs.
You are not “needy” for wanting reassurance.
You are not “difficult” for desiring emotional depth.
You are simply human, and the right people in your life will not feel burdened by learning from you. They will feel honoured.
In the end, love flourishes not where assumptions live—but where understanding is cultivated. Teach gently. Speak clearly. Love bravely.
Never shrink your heart just to make someone comfortable with giving less than you deserve.
Until next time — stay warm, stay growing, stay loving, stay whole.
With love and light,
Amaka.
