Good morning, dear friend,
How are you today?
How was your week? Take some time and think about the great parts of this week, and then the not-so-great parts. Maybe even write it down and look at it clearly.
I have been joining a series online, and it’s so interesting because we pre-schedule our posts for the year, and I didn’t even know that I would be joining this series when I scheduled this post for today.
Anyway, it goes to confirm how mindful God is of us and what we need, and what you need to hear today. He put it in my mind and in the minds of others.
Sheep and Ships had been such a blessing; thankfully, it’s on YouTube, so you can catch up. Go and watch it and follow it through March. Every Tuesday. Wednesday and Thursday.
It has really helped me solidify my thoughts on the blog today, as hearing people’s experiences always makes things so tangible.
The truth is that there is nothing we can offer each other that is of worth if we haven’t first offered it to God and to self.
Read that again.
No single relationship is going to be fulfilling if you haven’t first worked on a fulfilling relationship with God and with yourself.
Imagine a situation where you get into a friendship based on shared interests of the parties, it is all fun and games until a situation arises in which the parties don’t exist, and then someone is left feeling hurt or disappointed.
Pause, rewind that tape.
You first make yourself familiar with your creator and understand his ways and his expectations of you, build that relationship with yourself, and develop a solid sense of identity from how you now enter relationships.
On the day that the party expires, and there is a bereavement, you won’t be without the resources needed to step up and provide wisdom and comfort.
So all the heartbreak we see in our world today may just be summarised into a small sentence that says.
We don’t know God’s plan.
His plan for the world, his plan for you and me, his plan for our relationships. And when the purpose of a thing is not known, abuse becomes inevitable. It is the surest outcome.
This is why loneliness, divorce, involuntary celibacy, and evil tendencies are on the rise. Pain is the norm.You can hardly sit down without hearing about some pains and trauma that another human has inflicted on their “loved one”.
Can we stop, please, and examine our hearts here?
What is the evil in me?
Can I keep it under control?
Can I get help with it?
Can God help me?
My dear friend, it is your responsibility to tame and kill your evil ways with the help of the Holy Spirit.
There are few pains as quiet and confusing as being hurt by a friend. Not a stranger. Not an enemy. A friend. Someone who once knew your laughter, your fears, your private stories, fed you, covered you, and then threw you out to the wild animals to destroy when they hurt you.
When betrayal or deep disappointment enters a friendship, it can feel like the ground beneath you has shifted.
It is not loud like heartbreak in romance. It is not as obvious as a public conflict. It is quiet. Personal. Almost invisible. Nobody sends you flowers and a card, it’s just silent and raw and painful.
Friendship is built on trust. And trust is fragile. When it cracks, the question that follows is heavy: Can this friendship survive? Yet we often don’t ask these questions, we would rather pretend like it didn’t happen, be avoidant, and bury it.
The Pain of Being Let Down
Betrayal does not always come in dramatic forms. Sometimes it is gossip shared in confidence. A secret exposed. A promise broken. A moment when you needed them, and they were nowhere to be found. Unfortunately, it is not always intentional, so we cannot say people set out to harm us from the onset. That can happen, but not in most cases.
Think back to all those days you struggled, consider that your friends may have also been struggling, and you didn’t know, so you could be there for them in the way they needed you to be.
Some life struggles are so heavy that people can’t even find the words to share them.
How do you tell your friends that you want to end your life?
How do you tell them that you have a court case and anyday now you will be arrested?
How do you say that you have acquired more debt than all your generations have ever seen?
How do you tell them you love the partner who had ruined your life and broken you over and over again?
How? How? How?
Disappointment can be quieter but just as sharp — realising the person you thought they were is not who they turned out to be.
It hurts because you expected better. And expectation is the child of trust. I have come to see that we only trust people as far as we trust God. Most people who claim to be discerning often have a suspicion problem, which is rooted in distrust.
So they build these walls that keep themselves safe… Even from God. They won’t listen to his direction, they will shout so much during prayer that they can’t hear him, they drown out the holy spirit in a multitude of spiritual activities.
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Is that you?
The bible says here
“If you love me, you will obey my commandments” (NIV) – John 14:15
And here
“Don’t you know that when you offer yourselves to someone as obedient slaves, you are slaves of the one you obey—whether you are slaves to sin, which leads to death, or to obedience, which leads to righteousness?“
– Romans 6:16 (NIV)
Disappointment happens when:
- A friend or loverfails to show up consistently.
- They minimise your struggles.
- They cannot celebrate you.
- They repeatedly let you down in small, big, medium, but meaningful ways.
Over time, those small cracks become fractures. You start to build your walls.
What about a world where this isn’t a worry? Imagine what our relationships could be like if we didn’t build walls of mistruth and deceit and falsehood, held up by the cement of guilt, shame and hate.
Can you see it?
The Emotional Aftermath
I remember telling you guys about the meditation course I wanted to take, we have started classes, and this week we have been encouraged to monitor our attitudes to life situations. Imagine yourself as a tree with roots and branches going down and up, respectively. When the storm comes, how do you react to it? Do you bend, break, do your roots get taken out, or do you lose your leaves?
Many years ago, I did a similar exercise and it indeed changed the way I saw things.
Consider it my dear friend, who are you in a storm?
Friendships are our biggest love affair, and we start early to have expectations and sometimes project those expectations into romantic relationships. And we should.
We should expect things from others, but only after we ourselves have made peace within ourselves and provided for ourselves the very things we ask others to do.
No one can ever truly satisfy a person who doesn’t know themselves or clearly articulate their needs.
Before we feel pain, we were first in harmony and joy with the very thing that caused us pain.
Consider your roots, where are they? What nourishes them? What kills them?
We are often the first trespassers against ourselves.
So pause…..
And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive them that trespass against us.
– Matthew 6:12-14 (NMB)
Betrayal or disappointment, emotions rarely come in neat order.
You may feel:
- Anger – How could they do this?
- Sadness – I thought we were closer than this.
- Embarrassment – Did others know before I did?
- Self-doubt – Maybe I am too sensitive.
- Grief – I miss who we used to be.
It is important to understand this: You are not overreacting.
Your body and heart respond strongly because trust is foundational to human connection. When trust breaks, your nervous system reacts to threat.
Should You Walk Away or Stay?
There is no single answer. Every situation carries its own weight. But there are questions you can gently ask yourself:
- Was this a mistake or a pattern?
- Have they taken responsibility?
- Do they show genuine remorse?
- Is there mutual willingness to rebuild trust?
- Do I address it?
- Do I pretend it did not happen?
- Do I slowly distance myself?
- Do I end the friendship completely?
If betrayal is repeated, dismissive, or manipulative, walking away may be the healthiest choice. Protecting your peace is not bitterness. It is wisdom.
But if there is honesty, apology, and effort, reconciliation is possible.
I cannot overemphasise that mutual repentance for our roles in building the integrity of a relationship cannot be neglected.
A relationship is the responsibility of everyone in it, including children, as in a family relationship.
Rebuilding a Broken Friendship
Most broken friendships are capable of reconciliation; however, rebuilding takes time. And time cannot be rushed. But you can do the following:
- Have a hard conversation. Speak your hurt clearly, without attacking. Let them understand the depth of the wound.
- Set new boundaries. Forgiveness does not mean returning to the same level of access immediately.
- Watch actions, not words. Trust is rebuilt through consistency.
- Allow yourself to heal slowly. You do not owe instant closeness.
Friendship after betrayal may not look exactly the same. But sometimes, it becomes more honest, more intentional, and more mature. Like fine wine or cheese, it grows deep and enduring.
Why Friendship Betrayal Hurts So Deeply
Romantic relationships often come with caution. Because we mostly enter under false pretences. Ideally, this is not to be so.
But friendships? They grow in familiarity. It is why the best marriages are built on existing friendships that evolve over time.
Friends are the family we choose for ourselves, and I have come to see them as a spiritual pursuit.
God gives friends. Ah, he gives good friends.
You did not just lose a person. You lost:
- Shared jokes.
- Safe conversations.
- Emotional security.
- The comfort of knowing someone “has your back.”
Betrayal attacks your sense of emotional safety. And disappointment — though softer in appearance — can cut just as deeply. It shows you that perhaps your expectations were built on sand. You start to doubt yourself; this is where the danger lies.
When Forgiveness Becomes a Holy Thing
Forgiveness does not always mean reconciliation. Sometimes you forgive simply to free your heart from bitterness. You release the weight, even if the friendship does not continue. You can wish someone well from a distance. Make a note of what hurt, why it hurt, and start to pray for them.
Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.
- Matthew 18:22 (NIV)
Ask for the strength to do it. There is a grace for forgiveness available in God. I won’t tell you that it is easy, but when we don’t do it, we harm ourselves more. We soon become the very thing that hurt us, and we must avoid being conformed to the images and standards of this world.
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A Gentle Truth
Not every friendship is meant to last forever. Some are seasonal. Some are lessons. Some are blessings. And some are both a blessing and a lesson.
If you are walking through betrayal right now, give yourself grace. You are allowed to feel hurt. You are allowed to grieve the version of the friendship you thought you had.
And you are allowed to choose what protects your heart moving forward.
You deserve friendships where loyalty is natural, love is free,respect is mutual, and trust does not feel fragile.
Until next time — stay warm, stay growing, stay loving, stay whole.
With love and light,
Amaka.
