Hello dear friend,
More than ever before, I have been reflecting on what being a parent is as a role as an office, as a ministry, as a mission, not just someone who has kids, but how we parent them.
What guides our rules and boundaries, and values for our children, People, Faith, Culture, Media, God? Do you ever think about how you come to your conclusion on how you want to be as a parent, who you want to be? What values define your parenting?
I have learnt in my own case to find the root of a thought and link it to my faith. For me, that is the only solid ground I stand on, so it helps that it’s unchangeable. Everything else is so changeable and so flawed that I don’t bother anymore. Many days of looking at different parenting strategies and reading old and new ideas on the topic have helped me refine my style, and I am still learning.
Parenthood is often described as one of the most beautiful journeys in life — filled with love, growth, and countless “firsts.” But if we’re honest, it also comes with a lot of invisible baggage: guilt and shame. The things we want to do that we can’t, and the things we do that we shouldn’t.
From the moment a child is born, parents feel the weight of responsibility. Am I doing enough? Did I make the right choice? Why did I lose my patience? And in today’s world, where social media highlights picture-perfect families, the pressure to be the “ideal parent” can be overwhelming. We are further pressured to resist the lure of fantasizing that we may be able to achieve the same in our own unique circumstances. Who is the ideal? Not you, not me.
The truth? Every parent struggles with guilt and shame. What matters is how you process those emotions and use them in a healthy way instead of letting them consume you. Speaking from a point of almost consumption, wanting the perfectly potty-trained toddler disabused my mind that such a thing exists.
As I speak with you, I still chase someone and bribe them to use the toilet as they should. It is quit humbling, I tell you my bro and sis.
Why Parents Struggle with Guilt and Shame
- Unrealistic Expectations
We live in a culture of comparison. It’s easy to feel “less than” when you see another parent meal-prepping organic snacks or taking picture-perfect vacations. - Fear of Messing Up
Parenting feels high-stakes because children are deeply influenced by us. That fear can turn every mistake into a spiral of self-blame. - Pressure to Be Everything
Parents often juggle multiple roles — caregiver, breadwinner, spouse, friend, professional. When something slips, guilt creeps in. - Past Experiences
Sometimes, guilt and shame are tied to how we were raised, especially if we’re trying to “do better” than our parents but stumble along the way. - Social conditioning and circumstances.
Poor socioeconomic circumstances often leave us feeling vulnerable and open to being compromised or exploited by others. Sometimes these people don’t mean harm, but inadvertently harm us with their comments and opinions.
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The Difference
It’s important to recognize the difference:
- Guilt says: “I did something wrong.”
- Shame says: “I am doing something wrong.”
While guilt can be a healthy motivator for change, shame is toxic. It attacks your identity and makes you feel unworthy of love — from your kids, partner, or even yourself.
How to Handle it all
- Acknowledge Your Humanity
No parent is perfect. You will make mistakes — sometimes big ones. The key is to accept your humanity and remind yourself: “I am learning and growing, just like my child.” - Apologize and Repair
If you’ve yelled, overlooked, or fallen short, own it. A simple, “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have spoken that way,” teaches children accountability and shows them that love can repair. - Challenge Unrealistic Standards
That “super parent” you admire online? They struggle too — they’re just not posting the messy moments. Set your own realistic standards that fit your life and values. - Focus on Connection, Not Perfection
Children don’t need flawless parents. They need present, loving, and willing ones. Choose bonding moments over trying to get everything right. Explain to your child why you make certain decisions, how you came to them, and the thought process. - Practice Self-Compassion
Ask yourself: Would I speak to a friend the way I’m speaking to myself right now? Offer yourself the same kindness you’d extend to others. - Seek Support
Parenthood wasn’t meant to be navigated alone. Talk to trusted friends, join parenting groups, or seek professional support if guilt or shame becomes overwhelming.
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A New Perspective on Parenthood
Instead of seeing guilt and shame as proof you’re a “bad parent,” try reframing them: they are signals of how deeply you care. They’re reminders that you’re invested in your child’s well-being. You are doing your best with the information and resources you have; once you know better, you will do better.
Leverage existing resources as best as you can. Give your child the part of yourself is healed, kind, compassionate, and able to tolerate emotions as they come and go.
But caring doesn’t mean carrying endless self-blame. The best gift you can give your children isn’t a perfect parent — it’s a healthy, self-aware one.
Final Thoughts
Parenthood will stretch you in ways you never imagined. Guilt and shame will show up — but they don’t have to control the narrative. When you choose self-compassion, open communication, and connection over perfection, you give both yourself and your children the freedom to grow with love.
Remember: Your worth as a parent isn’t defined by your mistakes, but by your willingness to learn, repair, and love unconditionally.
Until next time, stay authentic.
Stay resilient, and continue to honour your needs.
Live wholeheartedly,
Amaka
